Stirlitz is a character from the popular Soviet series Seventeen Moments of Spring. The series is about a Soviet spy, Maxim Isayev, who infiltrates Nazi Germany under the guise of Standartenführer Otto von Stirlitz and foils its plans to enter into a separate peace treaty with the Western Allies. In the jokes, Stirlitz interacts with Nazi officials Walther Schellenberg, Ernst Kaltenbrunner, Martin Bormann, and Heinrich Müller, fictional female radio operator Kat, pastor Schlagg, professor Pleischner and other characters in the series. Most jokes are based on puns and wordgames.
Now onto jokes.
Stirlitz had a thought. He liked it, so he had another.
Stirlitz shot Müller. The bullet bounced off. Bronevoy, thought Stirlitz. (Actor Leonid Bronevoy was playing Müller in the series, his last name meaning “armored one”).
Stirlitz heard someone knocking on his door. “Bormann”, thought Stirlitz. “Me”, thought Bormann.
Stirlitz, walking down the corridor, subtly pushed the door of Bormann’s office as he passed it. The door didn’t budge. Stirlitz stopped, looked around and pushed harder. No effect. “Hmm… it must be closed”, Stirlitz deduced.
Stirlitz (played by Vyacheslav Tikhonov in the TV series) wakes up in a cell with no recollection of how he got there. “Who got me? Which name should I use?” – he wonders. – “Let’s see. If they wear black (SS) uniforms, I’ll say I’m Standartenführer Stirlitz. If they wear green (Red Army) uniforms, I’m Colonel Isayev”. The door opens and a blue-uniformed NKVD policeman comes in saying: “You really should ease up on the vodka, Comrade Tikhonov!”
Alternative of the above:
Stirlitz woke up in a prison cell. He did not remember at all how he got here, what date it was and what kind of power was in the city. After much deliberation, he finally decided that if a Gestapo man entered, he would have to say: “Heil Hitler, I am SS Standartenfuehrer von Stirlitz,” and if a Soviet soldier entered, he would introduce himself: “I am Colonel Isaev.” At this moment, a policeman enters and says: “Well, you got drunk yesterday, comrade Tikhonov.”
Stirlitz opened a door. The lights went on. Stirlitz closed the door. The lights went out. Stirlitz opened the door again. The light went back on. Stirlitz closed the door. The light went out again. “It’s a refrigerator,” concluded Stirlitz.
Muller was driving a Mercedes at 120 km/h. Stirlitz was running alongside him, pretending to be on a casual stroll.
Stirlitz heard someone knocking the door. He opened. There was a little dog. “What are you doing here, silly thing?” – he asked kindly. “You fool! I’m from Centre.”
Müller is awoken at 3 AM by knocking at his door. Annoyed as hell, he goes to open it and sees a bearded man in a winter jacket, an earflap-hat adorned with a Red Star, and laden with a huge radio set.
“Camels go east.” – says the man.
“Camels can go fuck themselves,” – answers Müller in irritation – “Your man Stirlitz lives on the next floor.”
Alternative of the above:
Bormann wakes up at 03:00 at the sound of someone bashing on his door. When he opened the door, he sees a man in snowsuit with ski-equipment and parachute on his back.
“The elephants are going to the north!!!” said the stranger with a strong Russian accent.
“The elephants are going to the Hell!” replied Bormann angrily. “Stirlitz lives one story upstairs!”
Hitler walks into the war room and finds a massive, heavy-looking grey box dominating the table.
Hitler: What is that?
Heinrich Müller: It’s the latest Soviet audio bug. Now, mein Führer, only Stirlitz had access to this room; I told you he might be a spy…
Hitler: exasperated Never mind that, why hasn’t anybody gotten rid of it?
Müller: We tried, mein Führer. Nobody can lift the damned thing.
Stirlitz walked down the street. Suddenly he sees – two are robbing a passer-by. Stirlitz rushed to the rescue … The proceeds had to be divided by three.
Stirlitz came to a meeting with a contact in a familiar bar and ordered 100 grams of vodka.
“We ran out of vodka two days ago,” the bartender apologized.
“Well, then 100 grams of brandy.”
“We ran out of brandy yesterday,” the bartender said sadly.
“Well, do you have beer?” – asked Stirlitz.
“Alas, it ended this morning,” said the bartender.
“So the messenger is already here,” thought Stirlitz
“Stirlitz”, Muller said wearily, “you got out when we found your fingers on the suitcase of the Russian pianist. You got screwed when we found them on the government phone communication. But now you can’t get out! Why does your ID smell like Russian vodka ?!”
“You know, Müller,” Stirlitz answered no less tiredly, “when Schellenberg put a seal on my certificate, he first breathed on it.”
Hitler receives Mussolini in his office. Suddenly the door swings open, Stirlitz enters, not paying attention to anyone, goes to the safe, opens it with his key and starts rummaging through it, throwing unnecessary documents on the floor.
“Who is this?” asks the Duce in surprise.
“Russian intelligence officer Isaev,” the Fuhrer answers in an indifferent tone, “- “We have Stirlitz listed.”
“So why don’t you arrest him?”
“Oh, it will get out all the same.”
Similar to the above:
Bormann and Muller having a coffee in Muller’s office. Once they see Stirlitz sneaks in and steals a lot of secret documents from the vault.
“Who was this one?” asks the stunned Bormann.
“This one? The Red Army’s best agent in Berlin”, replies Muller
“And why don’t you catch him???” asks Bormann
Muller frowns. “Eh, I keep trying for years now, but he always slips out of my hands.”
On February 23, Stirlitz put on his old, beloved Budyonovka, picked up the red banner and, singing revolutionary songs, went to the Reich Chancellery. On this day, he was more than ever close to failure.
Alternative of the above:
On May Day, Stirlitz put on his Red Army cap, grabbed a red banner and marched up and down the corridors of the Reich Security Office singing the Internationale and other revolutionary songs. Never before had Stirlitz been so close to failure.
A car drove up to Stirlitz’s dacha. Müller came out of it, accompanied by a platoon of Gestapo men. He knocked on the door.
“Who do you need?” asked from behind the door.
“I need Stirlitz.”, said Mueller.
“And I’m not at home.”, answered Stirlitz from behind the door. Mueller swore, got into the car and drove away. So Stirlitz has been leading the Gestapo by the nose for the third week.
Autumn, cool air. Stirlitz is walking along the road near Berlin. Suddenly something drips into his ear. The scout looks up and sees a wedge of cranes flying in an east-west direction high in the sky. A silhouette with a hang glider can be seen among the flock. Stirlitz immediately realized that this was a Moscow check.
Walking through the city, Stirlitz saw a movie poster on which was written in large print: “Alien vs. Predator.” His next thought was: “What have got these election campaigns.”
Stirlitz approaches Berlin. The city is veiled in smoke from the fires. “Forgot to switch off the iron again,” thought Stirlitz with slight irritation.
The words “Stirlitz is a moron!” were chalked on the wall of the Reichschancellery. The entire Nazi party snickered about it; only Stirlitz knew its true meaning: he had been awarded the title of Hero of the Soviet Union.
Müller was walking through the forest when he saw two eyes staring at him in the darkness. “An owl,” thought Müller. “You’re an owl yourself!” thought Stirlitz.
Stirlitz went into Müller’s empty office. He walked up to the safe and pulled on the handle. It wouldn’t open. After making sure that he was alone, he took out his gun and blasted away. Still, the safe wouldn’t open. Next, he put a hand grenade under the safe and removed the pin. After the smoke cleared, Stirlitz once again tried to open the safe. Again, however, he was unsuccessful. “Hmmm…” the experienced intelligence officer at last concluded, “must be locked.”
Stirlitz went into Müller’s office and said, “Herr Müller, how would you like to work as an agent for Soviet Intelligence? The pay is good.” Müller, shocked, gives an angry rebuff, then eyes Stirlitz suspiciously. Stirlitz starts to leave, but then stops and asks, “Gruppenfuhrer, do you have any aspirin?” Stirlitz knew that people always remember only the end of a conversation.
Stirlitz and Kathe are walking through the park. A gunshot rings out. Kathe falls. Blood flows. Stirlitz, relying on his keen instincts, immediately gets suspicious.
In the Reich Security Office, Müller, Himmler, and Bormann are all standing in the cafeteria line, patiently waiting their turn. Stirlitz enters and passes everyone as he strides directly to the head of the queue. He is served immediately. Müller, Himmler and Bormann are baffled. What they didn’t know is that a Hero of the Soviet Union has the right to receive service without having to stand in line.
Stirlitz blasted the door open with a mighty kick and discreetly tiptoed toward Müller who was reading a paper.
The end of the war. In the Reichstag everybody sits in depression. Hitler walks around in the building desperately, but no one gives a damn about him. Finally he enters in Stirlitz’s office. Stirlitz jumps up:
Hitler, replies in a tired voice:
“At least YOU don’t bully me, Maximovich!”